We are writing to you having received a number of complaints from local residents about constant noise disturbances originating from your household. The environmental protection team have identified the source of this nuisance, namely 'Snakereigns' by Norwegian 'beat combo' Okkultokrati. We are issuing this abatement notice in accordance with EHD procedures.
We have found a number of aspects of this music contravene our strict guidelines on heaviness:
- The source utilises blackened punk and doom elements which may cause structural damage to kitchen extensions and fragile outhouses
- An elderly lady two blocks away described leads 'bursting through the cancerous mix' in an attempt to furnish this review with some hyperbolic imagery
- 'Invisible Ley' mimics the sound of the universe collapsing. This was no little inconvenience to residents on a Wednesday when grey wheelie bins were being collected. To reiterate, such riffs are illegal
- 'Acid Eagle One' has disrupted the navigational instincts of local moths and pigeons with blatant abuse of tritones
- Snarled heathen declarations have, in the past, adversely affected attendances at the Trinity Baptist Church
- The agitation caused is the equivalent of listening to Damned, Damned, Damned and Morbid Tales simultaneously
You are required to adopt the best practicable option of ensuring that the noise does not exceed a reasonable level, by:
a) disposing of this disc at a landfill site
b) replacing it with 'Chasing Cars' by Snow Patrol
c) engaging in fully-immersive baptism
If you do not comply with this notice, an enforcement officer may enter your premises to seize and impound the noise source.
The symbols in pink below grade the severity of the situation.
Pendle Borough Council
Posted: Wed 10 October 2012