Holy Mountain

Earth Measures

Holy Mountain are a three-piece from where I'm fae. Glasgow. I'd have went to see them the other night for the album launch if it wasn’t for the police from preventing me. Holy Mountain look like a real band. Three cunts with long hair, tattoos, head bands, white vests and probably massive wullys. One looks like a sex offender, another like he wants to kick your head in and lastly the other looks like he has designs on your mum. I'd seen the name and immediately thought, they must like Sleep, not bad. I like Sleep tae. Good taste. However, apparently they are named after some mad as fuck film. Recently I heard their single, Gunner. Telling you, and I am not joking, I puked it was that good. Crying that a band was finally making this kind of music in Glasgow. 101% legitimate as shit cock sucking doom shagging music.

I still cannot believe how good Holy Mountain are. They done this gig right, they played at one venue, then while the last song was finishing they all fucked off the stage with their instruments, the drummer probably hitting a drum, the others axes unplugged but still at it. Jumping in a van outside, they plugged their guitars into the vans engine, the drummer jumped on a pre-set drum kit, and they continued the set whilst travelling through Glasgow city centre to the other venue (aye, the other venue). Then they go tooled up with their gear still playing into the venue and play another gig. Sure, after that one they went and played in some cunt's flat as well. Amazing eh? Aye. If you don't believe me, go watch the video for Gunner and cry that there’s no more folk in the video going absolutely radge bongo to this utterly mentally gallus music.

Earth Measures is for any fan that likes your classic doom,:St Vitus, Sleep, Sabbath etc (it gets a bit too Sabbathy but I do not give a fuck, I'd actually prefer more bands to totally rip off Sabbath, the best band of all time). Valvey, fuzzy, crunchy vintage sounding guitars and bass play over serial killer slamming drums throughout their album, Andy McGlone singing like he should have took up masturbating years ago and gave up the fags when he was 16. Its like one big jam after 'Gunner', gets us going. I'm not joking, that song is what I imagine ultimate shagging music to be like, its like a doped-up version of The Ace of Spades through a million Matamps. Listening to 'Earth Measures' right now, am greetin at how good it is. Sniff. I'm gonna hopefully make love to the wife while listening to this album, then pray to my altar of Iommi that he sends me a boy that plays doom as good as this in the future in a band called MUM SHAGGER. Cause in the future, the apocalyptic wastelands of Glasgow will need Mum Shagger.

Let's look at what the songs are called and through shite grammar and English I'll attempt to describe them. We've talked about 'Gunner' (An all-out speed doom assault; imagine Lemmy flying a bomber right into the Reichstag out his bin on high grade sulph at lightspeed). Second song 'Kegs' is a slower, sludgier chanter that has a demonic Hammond organ type thing grinding this big-titted beast along like fuck, then before you know it the whole band think they are Black Sabbath. You know what a keg is aye? This song is probably about a typical measure of bevy Holy Mountain drink on a quiet night. 'Swifty Fuckwit' is a hot- as-fuck MC5 jam type joint. By now you will be thinking, aye, my maw is gonna love this band. I'm sure this is a slang name for a person that’s a bit sneaky and might try to shag your dad while he is sleeping. 'Great Monkey', (crunchy as fuck and right in your face guitar wanking, reminds me of Orange Goblin at their best) fuck knows. 'Bolting Bastard' (you need to hear how good this is.) I'd say it's someone who runs away instead of standing and getting their head kicked in for being a fud? And finally, 'Silent Hawk', (fucking dooom, DOOOOOM... WINO IS HEREEE) probably slang for something Holy Mountain do with dildos and ice cream.

Seriously. I'm putting my hands up here, this is an insanely good band. Go see them live. Go fuckin' mental, take your top off, get steamin. Buy their album. Fling your scants at them when they play live. Tell your pals about them. Because if you don’t they will shag your maw.  

#Albums #Chemikal Underground #doom #Holy Mountain #Darkwülf